Meet My Staff
by FanNotANerd
Summary: Why Serra should never leave her staves lying in plain sight. And of course, what hilarity ensues when a mage with a screwed-up sense of humor finds them.


The noon sunlight reflected off the tempting array of staves, carefully laid out in plain sight. Each staff spoke of its own unique powers just through the shine on the handle, the specific way the sunlight refracted through the crystal sphere embedded at the top…

The way Erk saw it, it would be rude _not_ to take them. It was Serra's fault for leaving them out in plain sight anyway. The cleric had always been skimpy with her staves, responding to the other mages pleas to borrow them with cold cynicism at best, and total outrage at worst.

Erk, for one, was sick of learning basic healing spells with a battered, scratched staff still stained with the enemy bishop's blood. The crystal at the top had finally shattered that morning, unable to contain the arcane energies for another moment. Pent had been complaining about the same problem, although Serra had seen fit to give _him_ a brand-new Physic staff.

He could see three of those particular staves now, lying in a careful row upon the grass. The cleric claimed that the sunlight helped rejuvenate their energies. Erk was simply convinced she put them there to admire their shininess.

But those Physic staves, tempting as they were, weren't what Erk wanted. No, he was after something far more covetous: three ornate, bejeweled staves sequestered off to the side. Serra had nearly taken Nino's head off when the girl had so much as leaned in for a closer look, screeching away in her shrill voice.

The mage crept into the clearing, casting a wary eye around for a flash of pink hair. Nothing. Maybe she'd gone off to bother Oswin again. No great loss.

Erk knelt down and scooped up the closest of the ornate staves, cradling it reverently in his arms. "Sleep," Serra had called it. The charm it cast would instantly lull any being into a deep slumber for hours.

Erk's mouth twisted in a smile as he raised the staff. He'd show them. _Maybe,_ he thought, eyebrows rising, _It would be more entertaining to frame her._

That would work. Simply making off with the staves would have some entertaining results, but the aftermath would be a bit irritating.

Erk chuckled, nudging aside a few branches. He could clearly see the camp, and the assembled men and woman that had been following Eliwood around. There was Jaffar, back to a tree, silent as always. Lyn was off in a corner, sparring with Hector. Eliwood and Ninian were nowhere to be seen; considering the looks they had directed at each other for the past few days, what they were doing was no mystery.

Erk's brow furrowed thoughtfully as he tapped the sapphire-encrusted staff against his chin. What to do, what to do…

An evil grin lit up his face as he picked his target. Sain was loudly attempting to woo Fiora (despite the fact he'd been doing the same to her blue-haired sister not ten minutes before), and presenting a target too tempting to ignore.

Erk chuckled, and began chanting the spell inscribed along the hilt of the staff.

"Shall I compare thee to a midsummer's day?" Sain said, gesturing widely. "Nay, thou art far more…eh…beauteous."

Fiora chuckled, trying to hide a furious blush. While the cavalier's prose had its…specific charm, she wasn't really interested. She knew if she refused him, he'd just find another woman to lavish praise upon. The only one who seemed willing to put up with it was Serra, and her ego was bigger than…

Fiora frowned, temporarily ignoring Sain, as she tried in vain to think of an object of appropriate size. A mountain, perhaps?

"What is the matter, my Ilian rose?" Sain asked, noting her frown. "I would make every effort to restore that smile to your perfect visage-"

"I was distracted for a moment," Fiora said.

Sain kept smiling. "Well, if there is ever anything I can-"

The cavalier suddenly lurched forward and collapsed against her, pinning her to the tree. "Sain!" she squeaked, alarmed. "What do you think you're-"

The cavalier snored loudly. Fiora frowned, pushing him off of her. Sain fell heavily to the ground in a crash of armor, still snoring away, a peaceful smile on his face.

The pegasus knight cocked her head to the side. _Sain is not one I would have pegged for narcolepsy._

Erk hid behind the bush, attempting to stifle his laughter, as the people in the camp crowded around the sleeping cavalier. "Sain," Kent's voice said. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

Erk snickered, peeking around the bush again. He raised the staff, whispering a spell.

Kent snapped his fingers beside his comrade's ear. Sain shifted slightly. "No more cherry pie," he mumbled.

Kent shook his head. "He appears to be asleep," he said.

Hector gave him a sour look. "We can see that. Is he prone to just falling asleep?"

Kent frowned. "Well, this happened once before, in Bern. He was-"

Kent collapsed, his snoring ringing through the air before he even hit the ground. Which he did rather heavily.

Lyn and Hector exchanged a bemused glance. "It seems the cavaliers are tired," she said, fighting a losing battle to keep a straight face.

Erk was far past that, having collapsed in paroxysms of laughter. This was too much. Even if none of them figured out that the afflictions were the effects of staves, the comedic potential was near endless.

Oh, how he would love to see the look on Serra's face when she-

"What do you think you're doing?"

Erk whirled, nearly jumping out of his skin. Without even realizing it, he mouthed the beginning phrase of a fire spell before he realized who was standing behind him. An instant later, he wished he'd completed the incantation.

Serra stormed over to him, snatching the staff from his hands. "What did I tell you about touching my staves?"

Erk scratched his head. "Eh…You said something about a free meal?"

Serra bristled with fury. "I said I'd chop your balls off and feed them to you! How _dare_ you?"

Erk took a deep breath, feeling a migraine headache start. It seemed Serra's voice was tuned to the exact pitch required to trigger them.

"I've had enough of this," he said, snatching up another staff.

Serra stared at him, jaw gaping. "What are you _doing?_ An untrained mage shouldn't even be handling these staves, let alone-"

"Yeah, yeah," Erk said, gabbling a new incantation. Serra suddenly gulped, clutching at her throat. Her mouth worked, but nothing came out.

Erk sighed. Blessed silence…

"You know," he said. "You're a lot prettier when you don't talk."

Serra tried to scream at him, but the staff's sorcery stopped her words in her throat.

"Now," he continued conversationally. "I'll just keep going where I left off."

He turned back to the camp, now clutching the final staff. He was faintly aware that Serra was now pounding on his back, but was already taken by the raw power contained in the staff. _I know _exactly_ what I'm going to do with this…_

Serra's eyes flew wide as she realized what he was doing. "Don't even _think_ about it," she mouthed.

Too late. Erk chanted the spell, flinging berserking magic into the camp. Serra slumped, not even wishing to see who had been targeted. If whoever it was got their hands on a weapon…

Then she heard a familiar voice crying out in fury, and an involuntary giggle escaped her. _Oh, Erk,_ she thought, eyes glittering. _You really know how to pick them._

Hector frantically retreated, dodging another pot. _What the hell did I do to deserve this?_

"You suck, Hector!" Florina screamed, face bright red with uncharacteristic rage. "All this time I hung around you, and you never even noticed me!"

She flung another pot at the terrified lord. "Even when I worked up the courage to talk to you, I might as well have not even bee there!"

"Florina, please," Hector begged. "I had no idea-"

"You _never_ have any idea!" the pegasus knight spat, grabbing a frying pan. "You don't know _anything!_"

Hector dove out of the way, hearing the pan slam against the nearest tree. Of all the people to suddenly fly into a murderous rage, why did it have to be Florina?

"Florina, please," he said.

"None of that! Now's not the time to talk!"

Hector ignored her, scrambling to his feet and making a break for the woods. Halfway there, a something slammed into his back, knocking him off balance. A moment later, Florina jumped onto his back, driving him to the ground.

She grabbed a fistful of his hair, dragging his head up. "I think it's time to show you just how clueless you are," she whispered.

Hector shrank away. Sure, her voice was full of rage, but…was that a _seductive_ undercurrent he detected? What did she want?

"Florina!"

Mercifully, the knight jumped off of Hector's back, turning to face Lyn. "What do you want?" she snarled.

"Florina," Lyn, said. "What _is_ this? This is so unlike you-"

"I don't need your help," she spat. "I can take care of myself. I can make my own decisions. It's bad enough with Fiora constantly watching over my shoulder!"

Meanwhile, Hector vanished into the woods.

Florina advanced on Lyn, her face a rictus snarl. "If I have to put up with one more-"

The pink-haired woman suddenly swayed and collapsed, sleeping peacefully. Lyn watched her friend for a moment, suddenly recognizing the cinnamon-spice smell of sorcery. And there was only one person capable of using those staves…

"_Serra!"_

Serra grinned at Erk, tying him down with another web of sorcery. "I admit, that was quite fun. You have more wit than I thought."

Erk glared at her, trying to say something. "What's that?" Serra said, leaning closer and waggling the staff in her hand. "I can't hear you."

She sighed theatrically as she straightened up, tucking the Restore staff back into her robes. "Don't be angry at me, Erk. This is your punishment for touching my staves."

Erk struggled vainly against his invisible bonds, mouthing profanities.

"I'm going to lay low until this dies down," Serra said. "What, with the staves you're holding, it shouldn't be long before they figure out who's _really _to blame."

_I hate you,_ Erk mouthed.

Serra blew a kiss at him. "I love you too, Erk."

She turned and walked into the woods, leaving Erk stuck against the tree, She'd been careful to manipulate the magic so it looked like a staff had backfired. It always paid to account for contingencies.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she heard someone crashing through the woods. Was someone coming after her? Who could have seen her? With Erk silenced, he couldn't have broken those bonds.

Then the armored figure crashed out of the trees in front of her, and she immediately understood.

"You!" Hector said. "You think siccing Florina on me is funny, do you?"

Serra backed up. _Uh oh…_


End file.
